Not My Fault
by Mrs. HopeEstheim
Summary: They all tell me it's not my fault, but if I hadn't been there... NaLu, deathfic. M for violence, bloody near-nudity, and small hints.  Might not quite be M worthy, but I'll just be on the safe side.


That day still haunts my every waking moment, even though it's been five months. I haven't recovered at all, and none of my nakama can help me. Seeing what I saw, how our other precious teammate _died_, in my arms, can do that to a person. I'm so jittery, shaking. I hear the name I never thought I'd hear again, and a flutter of hope starts, but then it all comes back. Sometimes I wish it wouldn't; I wish I could just relent and give in to the insanity that's on the edge of my consciousness. Because wouldn't that be better than the blood? The bloodstained memories of a day long gone, of mistakes I can't un-make, and of the soul mate I can't bring back? The one I can't hug anymore, the only person I ever wanted to live the rest of my life with, the one that died to protect me. And really, why won't they all let me blame myself? It's all my fault. All of it.

Natsu died because of me.

* * *

><p>"<em>Ngh," was the grunt that escaped my lips as I was forced backwards, a fist firmly planted in my gut. My knees trembled, but I stumbled away from the extremely large man and faced him head on, my blonde hair dangling in front of brown eyes. The hair was stained a red from the wound on my temple, which freely bled into my right eye and restricted my vision and slowed me down. I reached up to wipe some of the blood, smudging red onto the pink of my Fairy Tail symbol. My whole body ached, and I wanted to break down, to collapse in a heap and cry until I couldn't cry anymore or until my enemy got tired of my whimpering and finished me off. But I couldn't do that. <em>

"_Lucy Heartfilia, why don't you just give up?" he laughed at me. I didn't even know his name, but he had this analytical type of magic that told him all of my secrets. Everything I could do, everything I had the potential to do given the right circumstances, was known to him from the start. I didn't even have a chance to begin with._

"_Because…I'm from Fairy Tail!" I said, standing as straight as I could. I couldn't help thinking, 'I'm going to die, I'm going to die! Mama, we'll be together again soon!'_

_The enemy, a rather lanky looking man with short spiky black hair and a tattoo across his forehead and down his left cheek, threw back his head and laughed. His left ear glittered with earrings up the entire length, and he wore a surfer guy's necklace. He was tanned like a surfer would be, too, and if I wasn't going to die soon, I would have thought he was pretty damn sexy. But even as a hormonal eighteen year old girl, I knew when to drool over a guy and when to try to beat the shit out of him, even when I knew I couldn't manage the task. I wouldn't even want any of my nakama to show up now to help me, because even if they were strong, they'd be hard-pressed to find this guy's weakness. I thought I was a pretty smart girl, but I couldn't do anything._

"_You're a damn fool," he advanced on me, and I held my whip in a ready pose as he came nearer. "You think you can even put a scratch on me with that thing? You couldn't even use your spirits; what makes you think you have the power to hurt me on your own? I don't know why they call you the strongest celestial mage; I've had more difficulty swatting flies."_

_I grit my teeth against the insult and retorted, "At least I don't just lay down and give up! I'll fight 'til the end! For my nakama–for Fairy Tail!"_

_Again he threw his head back and laughed, and my blood boiled. I leapt into motion, slashing my whip at his throat. He raised an arm in the way and the whip coiled around his wrist six or seven times; I couldn't bring myself to really pay too much attention as he yanked. I didn't have the sense to release the whip, and was tugged back into reach, where the man quickly wrapped his long-fingered free hand around my neck and lifted me off the ground. My weapon was yanked from my grasp forcefully, the leather handle sliding from my bloody palm with little resistance. I knew my own blood was what trickled down the man's arm as he held me above him, grinning at me like a feral beast. Weakly, I scrabbled at the back of his hand with my nails to no avail. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think; all I could feel was pain as he used his secondary branch of magic–wind magic–to open numerous wounds all over my body. I couldn't even scream as the wind tore my clothes and skin. My shirt was in tatters, showing off more than was decent for the millionth time. I even felt blood trickle down in the valley of my chest, an uncomfortable sensation to say the least, and my underwear were in plain view due to a slash that had caused my skirt to rip. It was still there, just with a gaping hole in it, everything stained with blood from one of my earlier stomach wounds. His previous punch had reopened that wound. _

"_Foolish little bitch," he said, smirking all the while. "You're just _begging _to die, aren't you?"_

_With force I hadn't expected, he threw me from him, and I crashed straight through a stone wall that had to have been six inches thick. I couldn't even adjust my flight so that I landed softer. Perhaps I'd been lucky that my back had struck the wall first, because I'd probably already be dead if it had been my head. But that would have been the quicker way to go, and I might've liked that better than whatever he had planned for me._

_Whatever the case, I hit a railing outside of the room, breaking it as well, and tumbled down to the next floor in a cloud of dust and debris, hardly conscious and unable to move for the first bit. I couldn't even breathe right._

"_What the hell was that?" came an irritable voice I didn't notice._

"_Just my opponent, Naru," came the cool voice of the guy I'd been fighting. "Get back to playing with that boy. I'll retrieve her body."_

Body_? Well, wasn't he full of himself?_

_I forced myself up, somehow even with a heavy slab of stone on top of me; maybe a hundred pounds? I didn't know, and I didn't care. I was losing way too much blood, sure, but I wasn't going to let him insult me._

"_Body?" I asked, furious. "What body?"_

_Was it stupid of me to chuck a rock at his head and actually strike his temple as he turned around?_

_Yes, yes it was._

"_Oh, excuse me. I'll finish you off, and then there will only be a corpse."_

"_Like hell you will!" shouted an immediately recognizable voice, and Natsu flew into view, fire alight around his fist as he went straight for my opponent. That damn annoying laughter left his lips again as he dodged and kicked Natsu down to the ground._

"_Natsu!" I cried, rage flaring. How dare he do that to my friend?_

"_Keep your opponent to yourself, Naru, or I may have to steal him away, too. Perhaps he'll be more worth it than this little fly…"_

_He flicked his wrist towards me, and I let out a cry as his wind circled viciously around me. I could see that Natsu tried to climb up and come to me, but the man he fought drew him back, laughing. And he held him there, telling him to watch._

_I couldn't do anything but fall to my knees, blood splattering in a circle around me. My shirt was next to nothing, now; blood saturated what little cloth was left of my bra. My skirt, once a decent jean skirt, was now hanging in shreds and similar to a loincloth. There wasn't an inch of it anywhere that didn't have at least a speck of blood, and most of it was drenched. Both sides of my face now had blood on them, and I could tell that my stomach wound wasn't stopping._

"_NO!" Natsu screamed, viciously ripping free of his opponent. And charging mine._

_Where were Gray and Erza? Happy was supposed to have gone after them, to bring them back! We needed them now!_

_I had struggled to my feet, fumbling with my keys. Even if it killed me, I'd help. Somehow. So I tried to focus my power, and I couldn't manage to call Loke out. Frustrated, I glanced up at Natsu's progress. He still aimed for my opponent, teeth bared and anger in his eyes. It was times like this, his utter protectiveness of all of us, that made me remember why I'd fallen in love with him. I didn't know why he'd fallen for me, but a few nights with him had made it hard to dismiss it. _

_The wind hit me again, smacking me back against a column and collapsing part of the balcony on top of me before I could even cry out._

"_Lucy!" the shout came, and I struggled to move. Nothing was broken, but everything sure hurt like hell. I couldn't remember a time I'd been beaten around so much. "Lucy!" the cry came again, and I heard a few explosions._

'_I can't let him fight alone!' I thought desperately, standing. The rubble fell off of me, and I clambered rather noisily out of it, stumbling wearily but launching a rock at the enemy who kept throwing me through stone things. Again, I struck him, this time drawing blood. He frowned darkly, and came for me._

"_It's time for you to die, Miss Heartfilia," he said in a deep and threatening tone. _

_I was scared. So scared. Even Hades had never scared me so much, because all of my nakama were there and if we died, we would have died together. But this; I didn't like this. If we died, it would just be Natsu and I. We'd die virtually alone, because I doubt these two would let lovers embrace one last time, unless they themselves were dead. I wouldn't be able to hold him again, be able to feel his feverish, hot kisses on my lips or his hands on my skin as he made me so much hotter than I ever thought possible. There would be no more of it; I despaired, but forced myself to stand bravely in the face of the inevitable._

"_Bring it on!" I said, propelling another rock through the air. He dodged it and started to come at me, but just then a hand engulfed in fire sprouted from his chest. When it withdrew, the man who had been my enemy tumbled to the ground, and Natsu stood there, in all his glory, glaring down at the man with more hatred than I'd ever seen._

"_You don't…touch my girlfriend…" he said brokenly._

"_Natsu," I said, stumbling forward._

_I didn't see the other mage behind him, and he had temporarily escaped my mind, until a sickening crunch echoed and I froze, my heart stopping. Natsu's eyes went wide, lips forming a silent 'o' as a sword sprouted from his chest, in the same spot as his fist had done on the other man. Blood spurted from the wound, coating the shining silver length and splattering the floor for several feet, such was the force of the blow._

"_NATSU!" I shrieked, working my weary legs much harder than ever. I didn't even notice that my magical power surged, able to summon Loke to my side. He didn't even speak; he saw my boyfriend of a year with a sword sticking out of him, and rushed into action. I didn't see him charge the man. All I saw was the sword and when that pulled out, all I saw was the tottering dragon slayer I'd fallen in love with. His name came as a wild cry from my lips as I rushed at him, blindly stumbling across rubble, across my former enemy's body. _

_Natsu fell to his knees, and I was there, dropping beside him and wrapping my arms around him, holding him up._

"_Natsu!" I cried, gripping both sides of his face with my hands. "Natsu! Stay with me!"_

_His eyes were flickering; light, dull, light, dull. Blood poured from his wound, and I pressed my hand there, trying to stop it. It did no good, the red liquid just ran down my arm and dripped onto the floor between us. There was blood starting to leak from his lips, and it wasn't just from a punch or from biting his lips. _

"_Luce…" he managed with a struggle, the light in his eyes just briefly. He was weakening rapidly, and I knew it wasn't good. I knew I was going to lose him. I heard the cry that signaled the death of the enemy, glancing over Natsu's toned, bloodstained shoulder to see him fall to Loke. It was then that I first noticed Loke, but he flickered out of Earthland just as soon as I'd seen him. I felt a massive drain of my power, but I didn't pay it any heed; I couldn't._

"_No, Natsu!" I said, gripping his face tighter. "Natsu, you can't!"_

_The tears were coming down, hot and salty and so fast. I started to sob desperately, pressing a bloody kiss to his already bloody lips._

"_Please don't go!" I choked._

"_I…I'm so…rry, Luce," he rasped. "L-love you, w…weirdo…"_

_And then he said no more, his full weight falling in my arms. And I wept, screaming and wailing like the world had ended, because hadn't it? How could the world still be turning when Natsu Dragneel had _died_, fallen limp and lifeless into my weak, bloodstained arms? Everything was bloodstained. The floor around us was a pool of the substance, nothing but red for several inches away. Much of it was his, but some of it was mine. Yet I couldn't move; I couldn't let him go._

_I was still cradling the lifeless body of my lover when Erza, Gray, and Happy burst in ten minutes too late._

* * *

><p>They all tell me it's not my fault, but if I hadn't been there, if only that man had killed me before Natsu saw, then wouldn't Natsu be alive? Or wouldn't I at least be with him now? Because if I hadn't been there to distract him, wouldn't Natsu have stuck with his opponent, who had looked to be more worn down than mine? But I was there, and he had dealt with my enemy, killing him in a violent act that few of Fairy Tail ever succumbed to, and then he was killed in much the same manner.<p>

Every time I slept, I saw those empty eyes, wide and staring. Every time I woke, I heard the same strangled scream I'd let on that night. Every time I walked into the guild, I saw his face even when he wasn't there. I saw his blood splattered on the walls or floors of every building I went to.

I couldn't take it anymore. If I couldn't live with my soul mate, what was the point of living? And really, it was all my fault. All of it.

I decided that going like Juliet would be most fitting. So I found a nice dagger, spent the last of my jewel on gifts for the guild and took it to the post office, before writing my final goodbyes and leaving it with the gifts. My dagger and I then made the trek to the cemetery. Natsu walked at my side the entire time, smiling and laughing with me as we went back to his new home. He smiled at me and told me he loved me. We got strange looks as we walked, and I remembered that I was the only one who could see him. So I put a finger to my lips and he nodded, falling silent but staying beside me.

His presence comforted me. I would be with him soon, forever.

We reached the stone, and I knelt by the grave. I traced the statue of the dragon, tears coursing down my cheeks.

"I'm coming home, Natsu," I said softly, bringing the dagger up to my chest and pressing it gently there, nicking the skin above my heart. "I love you."

As the dagger plunged into soft, supple flesh, I heard Erza's shout. So they'd come earlier than I thought. But it didn't matter.

It was over, and everything I knew in Earthland faded to black.

* * *

><p>"<em>I would have waited for you, Lucy," a voice echoed all around me as I opened my eyes. "I would have waited forever."<em>

"_I couldn't wait that long, Natsu," I breathed, letting my eyes flutter open. Above me he hovered, little dragon's horns poking out of his hair. Otherwise, he looked just as I remembered him._

_He gathered me into his arms and buried his face in my hair, and I resolved to never let him go again, for all of eternity, as I wrapped my arms around him in return._

* * *

><p><strong>My deathfic is done. Whoa. So please R&amp;R, because I really want to know how I did! I'm about to cry, though. WHY DID I DO THIS?<strong>

**It was ACTUALLY supposed to be a violent enough fic to be rated M, but I'm not sure, but I'm labelling that anyway, 'cause I've got excessive violence plus almost-nudity and insinuations...**


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